All the Best to You in 2011

16 January 2011

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Money isn’t everything, but no money is nothing.

What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?   Honey.

Mellita, domi adsum!

Honey, I’m home!

All reports are in:  Life is now officially unfair.

Man was god’s second mistake.

It’s going to be 11 11 11 again this year this century. One hundred years ago, that number, the “eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month” was the date of the signing of the Armistice, the end of World War One. Happy.

Women and elephants never forget.

Here’s some eleven magic:

111,111,111 X 111,111,111 =  12,345,678,987,654,321.

I used to live in a county called Medina. In Yiddish medina means country, state, province, area, land, domain, area of involvement. Has rather the same meaning in Arabic too. Oh, well, so much for that.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

Minime senuisti.

You haven’t aged a bit.

Your life and your career. They’re not the same thing.

There is a 4-watt incandescent light bulb in a fire station in Livermore, California, that has burned now for over one hundred years.

A person who treats you well,  but who is a snob to “underlings” is not a good person.

When it becomes a “movement” or a “trend” it has already gone too far and should be nipped in the bud.

Use a camera a lot and you begin to see the world in a new way.

“How do you see yourself?“  asked of Sarah Palin at her beauty contest.

“In a mirror.”

When I heard this, I let out a kvitch that you could hear in Maspeth.

I’ve read Marcus Aurelius with astonishment and admiration, I’ve devoured Bocaccio and I have read Waiting For Godot forwards and backwards. I have to say that I understood it better backwards.

Latine loqui coactus sum.

I am forced to speak Latin.

Nat King Cole’s Father: The Lord can do anything.

Nat King Cole (age 6): I bet he can’t sit on that hot stove bare naked.

Good advice is very annoying, but it should be forgiven.

from the Church bulletin:

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.

Pesach only comes once a year, but some people ask questions every day.

Letter to  public utilities commission, British division:

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

You can measure someone by the people he seeks.

Doctor Kervorkian wants to branch out into the music field, but he’s going to have to do it unplugged.  (What? You got a better joke?)

Okinawa 1945

As long as the judge is happy.

I’m healing rapidly and any day now I’ll be myself again, which is a scary thought come to think of it.

Our first house on Okinawa, even earlier than this, looked very much like the quonset hut here.

Guy walks into a tavern with a duck, and shakes it all over the bar.

Bartender says, “Hey, is that Down On Me?”

Duck says, “Put it on my bill.”    (What? You got a better joke?)

Cave canem. Beware of the dog.

How do you use a duck till you use her up?

Keep her in the sun till her Bill Withers.

Do you smoke after sex?

I don’t know, I’ve never looked.

If an economist and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read The Economist?

Thank you for your Father’s day card. It is so good to learn that I am your father. Many fathers could not say anywhere near as much.

A goyische Gentile joke:

A man calls his mother and says, “Mother, I know you had been expecting  me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can’t

make it.”

His mother says: “OK.”

Since I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, why should I believe in it now?

Exercise kills germs, but how do you get something that tiny to exercise?

Meditation. A respectable way of doing nothing.

Eternal Triad of the Spotted Mind:

1. Cover for me.

2. Oh, good idea, boss.

3. Ita erat quando hic adveni. (It was like that when I got here.)

I haven’t believed in a Supreme being since Florence Ballard was kicked out.

Over half the people you know are below average.

Don’t eat snails. Go for the fast food. Fresh veggies.

“There are really only two painters in the world,” she whispered, “you and Dürer.”

“Please,” I replied, “why drag Dürer into this?”

One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states).

Product Warning on a Nytol Sleeping Aid bottle:

Warning: May cause drowsiness.

Found in  fortune cookie:

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

I’d like a hot dog, he said frankly.

My wife always laughs during sex, no matter what she’s reading.

On a Texas ranch during hunting season:

One ball said to the other ball. It was Dick who did all the shooting, so why should we hang?

Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks

like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Sam Andrew

Big Brother and the Holding Company