Two people who always made me feel glad to be alive.

You give people what they want, they’ll turn out.     (A rival producer observing the crowd at Louis B. Mayer’s funeral.)

I willed my body to science and now science is contesting the will.

If there was no action around, he would play solitaire… and bet against himself.

How are you planning for your retirement?    Powerball.

Gambling is a sure way of getting nothing for something.

“Unbelievable,” exclaimed Jimmy, “I’ve played plenty of poker in my day, but I never imagined I would see a dog win at poker.”   “Ah, we usually wipe him out,” said an old geezer at the table, “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”

Las Vegas is the only town in the country where you can have a good time without enjoying yourself.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

There are people who deprive themselves of every eatable, drinkable and smokable that has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health, and health is all they get for it.         Mark Twain

They just tested the tap water in my town and found traces of estrogen and anti-depressants, so I’m going to be more feminine and happier about it.

if exercise is so good for you, why do athletes have to retire by age thirty-five?

What’s the definition of minor surgery?      An operation performed on someone else.

Dentist:  Jesus, what happened to your teeth? They’re all gone and your gums are in terrible shape.  Patient:  If that’s such a big problem, then get your face out of my lap.

What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s?     You keep meeting new friends.

Tell me, doctor, how much longer am I going to live?    That’s always difficult to say, she replied brightly, but let’s just say that if I were you, I wouldn’t start watching a new miniseries on TV.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

The Supreme Court ruled against having a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C.  This wasn’t for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Santa’s very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

We’re buying a home. When you buy a home, you deal with Realtors. Realtors are people who didn’t make it as lawyers or politicians.

I have a special Italian lamp with a three way switch… dim, flicker and out.

Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them straight.  I can’t do that. I can make a straight woman gay, though.

Take boxing.  Two topless men?  In silk shorts?  Fighting over a belt and a purse?

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I had general anesthesia. That’s so weird. You go to sleep in one room and you wake up four hours later in a totally different room.  Just like college.

I had a hotel room so small that if I would have died in it they could have put handles on the room and used it for a coffin.

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam… and I’ll show you a house full of chips and dirt.

I haven’t cleaned up my house in a while. There’s a milk carton in there with a photo of Jimmy Hoffa on it.

I got rid of those stinking odors in my kitchen. I stopped cooking.

Why don’t you keep watch and see how long the meek keep the earth after they’ve inherited it?

Beaver talking to a rabbit while they’re looking at Hoover Dam:  No, I didn’t actually build it, but it’s based on an idea of mine.

I used to worry about what people would think of me, until I realized they rarely do.

It’s easy to turn the other cheek when your tongue is in it.

I don’t make jokes. I just look at congress and describe what I see.

Witty replies are something we think of on the stairway after the party.  The French call this “l’esprit de l’escalier.”

Laughter is god’s gift to mankind and mankind is proof that god has a sense of humor.

Whatever you read that I said isn’t true, unless it was funny. Then I definitely said it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else, or a long time ago.

My wife thinks that I am too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps writing in her diary.

You can do anything with a bayonet except sit on it.       Napoleon Bonaparte

One good thing about getting old.  No more calls from insurance people.

She was interested in her husband’s activities, so she hired a detective.

Two old ladies were having coffee at Grossinger’s when  a flasher darted over to their table and threw open his coat. “Hmmmph,” snorted Sadie, you call that a lining?”

A Jewish mother’s dilemma: Having a gay son who’s dating a doctor.

Dyslexic Rabbi after a rough day:  ”Yo!”

His idea of oral sex is talking about himself.

A blind guy goes to a seder and the hostess hands him a piece of matzoh. “Hey,” he says, “who wrote this shit?”

She belongs to a reform congregation. It’s called Jews R Us.

Would you want to put your life in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty?

All US presidents have worn glasses.

A client calls his lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions?”  Lawyer: “Four hundred dollars.”  Client:  ”That’s a lot of money, isn’t it?”  Lawyer: “I suppose so, what’s your third question?”

Ulysses S. Grant had a boyhood nickname “Useless.”

John Quincy Adams owned a pet alligator, which he kept in the East Room of the White House.

“You seem to have more than  the average share of intelligence for a woman of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.  ”If I weren’t under oath,” answered the witness, “I’d return the compliment.”

Abraham Lincoln died in the same bed that had been occupied by his assassin, John Wilkes Booth.

Tom: It was so cold this morning.  Dick: How cold was it?  Tom: I don’t know the exact temperature, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

President James A. Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other… simultaneously.

Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman walking toward them. “Boy, would I like to screw her,” says the first lawyer. “I know,” says the second, “but out of what?”

The best male voice in rock and roll… ever.

Guy receives a bill from his lawyer:  ”For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you:  $ 50.”

We have thirty five million laws to enforce ten commandments.

In 1912, after being shot in the chest, Theodore Roosevelt finished a speech he was delivering before he accepted any medical help.

“How much is two plus two?” the client asked his lawyer. She drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the phone for listening devices, and finally whispered, “How much do you want it to be?”

Life is not for everyone.

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination, but the combination is locked in the safe.

Harry Truman’s middle name was just S and not short for anything. His parents couldn’t decide between two different names beginning with S.

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.

Laboratories have switched from rats to lawyers for their experiments because, a. there is no shortage of lawyers, b. you don’t get so attached to them, and c. after all, there are some things you can’t get rats to do.

A lonely stranger went into a deserted restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and said, “How about a kind word?” She leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat.”

Lyndon B. Johnson was the first president to wear contact lenses.

I once hit it big In Las Vegas. I drove there in an $8,000 car, and returned home on a $40,000 bus.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?         Lily Tomlin

Love is like an hourglass:  the heart fills up and the brain empties.

Love is an ocean of emotion surrounded by a fence of expense.

Ronald Reagan was the only divorced president and the only president to be head of a labor union.

Love is staying awake all night with a sick child… or a very healthy adult.

Love is like the measles… the later in life it comes, the worse it is.

Millard Fillmore’s mother feared he may have been mentally retarded,

Make love, not war. Hey, you can do both… get married.

Lovely, shapely legs. Beautiful, luminous eyes. Deep, sexy voice. Large hands and a protruding Adam’s apple… hey! Wait a minute.

Bill Clinton was the first left-handed president to serve two terms.

A better understanding of the universe has enabled us to retrodict such phenomena as the passing of Halley’s Comet.

Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don’t know each other.           Somerset Maugham

David Rice Atchinson was president of the United States for exactly one day.

It’s bad luck to believe in superstition.

Andrew Jackson was the only president to believe that the world is flat.

Every horseshoe that someone uses for good luck? That horseshoe was once on a horse that didn’t have such good luck.

Ronald Reagan married his first wife Jane Wyman at Forest Lawn Cemetery.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.  His brother was a town sheriff.  His other brother was a priest. (No, I just made that last part up.)

Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter Eleven.

You don’t lose your interest in sex as you grow older. You’re attracted as strongly as you ever were to eighteen year olds. It’s just that everyone your own age seems repulsive.

Hitler planned to change the name of Berlin to Germania.

Louis XIV of France had a stomach the size of two stomachs.

The shortest British monarch was Charles I. He was four feet, nine inches.  He would become even shorter later.

No president has been an only child.

Hitler was a claustrophobe. The elevator leading to his eagles’ nest in the Austrian Alps was mirrored so it would appear larger and more open.

Peter the Great executed his wife’s lover and forced her to keep the lover’s head in a jar of alcohol in her bedroom.

Queen Berengaria (1191 CE) of England never lived in nor even visited England.

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, so take that President Garner.

Why do men have more brains than dogs do?  So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Vincent Van Gogh sold one painting, Red Vineyard at Arles.

Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and James Monroe all died on July 4. Jefferson and Adams, bitter enemies, died on almost the same minute of the same day.

Of all his talents, Leonardo was most proud that he could bend iron with his bare hands.

Isaac Newton invented the cat door.

The most popular guy at my nudist camp could carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.

Narada Michael Walden, Clarence Clemmons, Todd Rundgren, Bobby Weir and Huey Lewis

Every time a woman leaves something off, she looks better and every time a man leaves something off, he looks worse.       Will Rogers

Nobody knows where Voltaire’s body is. It was stolen in the nineteenth century and has never been recovered. The theft was discovered in 1864, when the tomb was opened and found empty. It would not surprise me at all to learn that Voltaire paid someone in advance to steal his body. Seems like something he would do.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.     Paging Doctor… oh, never mind.

Einstein’s last words were in German. The attending nurse knew no German, so his last words will never be known.  (Hey, maybe he was speaking Yiddish?)

Hitler and Napoleon each had only one testicle.

Napoleon liked mathematicians and physicists but he banned humanists from his circle because he thought they were troublemakers, which they are.

Christopher Columbus was a blonde.

I went to the doctor and told her, “My penis is burning,” and she said, “That means somebody is talking about it”

Well, hasta la pasta, happy trails to you.

Chet Helms       Sam Andrew