1 January 2012
Behind every successful woman there is a man staring at her ass.
Graceful Janis.
Elise and Dario Darold.
How odd that Mitt Romney should compare President Obama to Marie-Antoinette, who, by the way, said something like, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche.”
Is this the same Mitt Romney who said to a group of unemployed persons in Tampa, “Hey, I am unemployed too.” Monumental insensitivity. Jobless Mitt.
From the church bulletin:
We are starting a New young Mothers’ Group. Anyone desiring to be a new young mother is to meet with the pastor in his office.
Elise Piliwale, Boxing Day, 26 December 2011.
Actual courtroom dialogue:
Is that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear. No subtle hints. No strong, blunt hints. No overly obvious hints. Just say it.
In the courtroom again:
Were you alone or by yourself?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Donna DiBasilio.
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Susan Zelinsky, singer, actor, woman extraordinaire, is one of the organizers for this breast cancer benefit every year.
Mary and Frank Bertolli.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Athena.
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Woman to naked man:
Are you cold?
I want to achieve immortality, not through my art, but by not dying. So far, so good.
Sam Andrew, Shiho, Woodstock)
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.
Samantha took us all to Paris.
Being American is about driving a German car to a Palestinian liquor store to buy Russian vodka and then stopping by a Thai restaurant before going home to watch a British comedy on a Japanese television.
Talent hits the target which no one else can hit. Genius hits the target which no one else can see.
Spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
Always remember that you are unique… just like everyone else.
Utility is when you have one telephone,
luxury is when you have two, and
paradise is when you have none.
Keep in mind that if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
Monti singing us a song at Dario’s party.
A conservative is a worshipper of (long) dead radicals.
How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
My dog went to a flea circus and stole the show.
A lot of my misspent youth was spent here.
A adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Father to son: Lot was warned to take his wife and flee, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
Son: What happened to the flea?
Elise Piliwale and Sam Andrew.
Tom Jones and Janis Joplin.
Darian Gray and Nathalie Delahousse.
Moby Grape with Sam Andrew, Santa Rosa, California.
A fine is a tax for behaving badly.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
Alton Kelley, one of the good people.
Teacher: How many animals went into the Ark.
Student: One mail and one e-mail.
French Canadian visiting Edmonton, Alberta, calls the hotel desk:
I need some pepper.
Black pepper or white pepper?
Toilette pepper.
Susan Royce and Shahram Ghodsian.
Alessandro il Stitico.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have batteries.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What’s the speed of dark?
I played with many of these people in New York: Pepe Aparicio, Pepi Gennerelli, Bob Steeler. I love them all.
Forget shampoo! Get the real poo.
Forget champagne! Get the real… oh, never mind.
Something vaguely familiar about these peter peppers. Jessie, thank you.
I had amnesia once… or was it twice?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I quit reading.
Gene DiBasilio was our milkman when we lived in Lagunitas, probably the last milkman in the western world. Gene has had a misspent adulthood. He quit delivering milk and founded a company which he later sold for several million dollars, poor guy.
World’s shortest book:
My Christian Accomplishments And How I Helped After Katrina by George W. Bush.
You know you’re a nurse if…
You’ve seen more penises than any prostitute.
Peter Albin and Arianna Antinori.
Christianity? You mean the religion of the Prince of Peace?
The easiest way to find something you have lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
When you have paint or gesso all over your hands, either your nose will immeidately begin to itch, or you will have to pee.
Ben Nieves, Stephen Long, Sam Andrew. Mostar, Bosnia, 2011.
Only an artist would look at this and think of Matisse.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
Plastic surgeon’s sign: Hello, can we pick your nose?
Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know that the batteries are going dead?
Lawyer: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
Chris Madding and his daughter Amélie.
Flight attendant: Would you like dinner?
Passenger: What are my choices?
Flight attendant: Yes or no.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Black eyed peas loom large in the legend of the South. In Civil War days, some planters had nothing to eat but black eyed peas at a certain New Year’s dinner. They were lucky enough later that year
to regain their fortunes, and they somehow connected their New Year’s dinner menu with their new success. Thus, in many places, black eyed peas are a good luck meal on New Year’s day.
Silence is often the best answer.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
(Woman on the métro)
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was a god, and I’m an agnostic.
Happy New Year to you, and I’ll see you next week.
Sam Andrew
Big Brother and the Holding Company
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