Hear about the guitarist who played in tune? Neither did I.

The first two people to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies:

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

If a young man at the age of twenty-three can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder.”

– Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking. ‘

The drunk says ‘Okay, let’s get started.’

Mr. Burns: “How were his test scores?”

College Rep: “Let’s just say this:  he spelled ‘Yale’ with a six.”

A Peter Albin joke:

We used to take acid, now we take antacid.

I want to be cremated, and I want my agent to have ten, er, fifteen per cent of my ashes. Exclusively. It’s in the contract. (Watch him save this.)

Sarah Palin: Juneau if she’s going to run?  Alaska.

Actual courtroom conversation:

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law somewhere.

How many buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change it, and one not to change it.

Did you hear about the man with the Catholic father and the Jewish mother?

When he went to confession he brought along his lawyer.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t

control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup

to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted,

“That’s not what I  said!”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

What happened when the flasher decided to retire?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

A Goy Joke:

“You own your own business, don’t you? How’s it doing?”

The goy says, “Just great! Thanks for asking!”

Major Reno rode up to Colonel Custer on the eve of the Little Big Horn massacre and said, “Colonel, there’s evidence of a large number of Indians over the ridge.  I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

From over the ridge came a loud cry, “We just hired a better drummer.”

Homer Simpson, whom I actually met in Austria, made this toast:

To alcohol The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!

A Jewish woman hired a private detective to watch her husband.

She wanted to know what his mistress saw in him.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, monsieur, but we’re out of cream.  How about with no milk?”

Oedipus, schmoedipus, as long as he loves his mother.

Subtitle in a Kung Fu film:

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together

and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some

giant lizard person.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?

Drive-by trombone solos.

Anything War can do, Peace can do better.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake

that, you’ve got it made.

-Groucho Marx

Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

Voltaire

Don’t imagine you can change a man. Unless he’s in diapers.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

(This goes for so many other things in life as well.)

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian.”

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Did you hear about the musician who won the lottery?

He played gigs until the money ran out.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

War is expensive, Peace is priceless.

One evening, watching her neighborhood from her front  porch, a wife pointed out one young couple on their street to her husband. “Do you see that couple? They are so devoted. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”

“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well enough.”

I was dating this woman for a while and the first time she saw me naked, she said, “Is everything a joke with you?”

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, laser

printers and White-Out all have in common?

A. All invented by women. The last one was invented by Mike Nesmith’s mother.

If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion.

– George Bernard Shaw

Sam Andrew

Big Brother and the Holding Company

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