Origin:    1895–1900;     zero + th

Zeroth can be kindergarten. It’s the 0th dimension. The ordinal number before the first.  The zeroth.

January 0th is another name for 31 December.

Clara Bellino and Charlie Watts


Being numbered zero in a series; also : Zero 1 the zeroth power of a number.

Two blondes walked into a bar and started arguing about whether an order-of-magnitude estimate is sometimes also called a zeroth order approximation, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”


Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.  PNESI  The people who answer SPINE will be familiar with the zeroth law.

The zeroth law states that if two systems are each in thermal equilibrium with a third system, they are also in thermal equilibrium with each other.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


You’re supposed to respect your elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find any now.


A and C are in equilibrium following the Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics.


Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.


Zero-based numbering is numbering in which the initial element of a sequence is assigned the index 0, rather than the index 1 as is typical in everyday circumstances.


A rabbi was suddenly possessed by a wave of mystical rapture, and threw himself onto the ground before the Ark proclaiming, “Lord, I’m Nothing!”
Seeing this, the cantor felt profoundly moved by similar emotions. He too, threw himself down in front of the Ark, proclaiming, “Lord, I’m Nothing!”
Then, way in the back of the synagogue, the janitor threw himself to the ground, and he too shouted, “Lord, “I’m Nothing.”
The rabbi turns to the cantor and whispers, “Look who thinks he’s Nothing!”


In some cases, an object or value that does not (originally) belong to a given sequence, but which could be naturally placed before its initial element, may be termed the zeroth element.


There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero.   Is nothing sacred?


What do you get when you cross a pigeon and a zero?  A flying none.


In some mathematical contexts, zero-based numbering can be used without confusion, when ordinal forms have well established meaning with an obvious candidate to come before “first”; for instance a “zeroth derivative” of a function is the function itself, obtained by differentiating zero times.


Nothing is better than this.

Zeroth:   The impression that you get from someone before you actually meet them, including impressions made by clothes, style, and rumors.

From what she was wearing and what I heard about her, the zeroth impression I got was that she was a hard case, but when I met her she was intelligent, decent and kind.


Reince Priebus dismissed any controversy over Mitt Romney’s crack about President Barack Obama’s birth certificate as “nothing” and called on the political class to learn to take a joke.


A zeroth law is usually so important that the other laws cannot function without it, yet so obvious that nobody thought it needed stating.


Isaac Asimov’s Zeroth Law of Robotics: A robot may not harm humanity, or through inaction allow humanity to come to harm.


Good luck on that one. That’s a dream, and, I hope, a reality.  It’s only a matter of time before computers surpass us in intelligence and ability. We can only hope that they develop an equal abitlity in ethics and morality, although if they are copying our ethics and morality, we should shudder.


Let us hope that the machines are kinder to us than we have been to each other, although, why should we deserve such treament?

Anyone who has read the slightest amount of our history knows that we have no basis for begging for mercy from a stronger power as computers will be, and sooner than we think.


What may we offer up to the sweet goddess of the universe that she should assure us of any kind treatment whatsoever?  Can you think of anything?


What did 0 say to 8 ?        Nice belt!


How do you insult a mathematician?   You say: “Your brain is smaller than any ε > 0″


Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.


Why must President Obama prove who he is and where he was born?   Be honest and give your answer.


If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians in the world.  Those who understand binary and those who don’t.


Angles:   I’m not trying to be obtuse, but you’re acute.


I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you aren’t with me.


What is the shortest mathematicians joke?  Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

What caused the Big Bang?  God divided by zero.


A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there.


A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were traveling through Scotland on a train when they saw a black sheep. “Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”  ”Hmm,” says the physicist, “you mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”  ”No,” says the mathematician, “all we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black.”


How are dogs and marine biologists alike?   Dog wag their tails and biologists tag their whales.

Why can’t a gorilla play a guitar?  She’s too sensitive.


She looked at the score and it said “tacet,” so she took it.


How do guitar players generally greet each other?    Hi, I’m better than you.   (That’s supposed to be a joke.)


What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?   The police made her bring it back.


A museum visitor was admiring a tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. “That skeleton is sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old,” the employee replied. “How can you know that so specifically?” she asked. “Well, when I started working here, I asked a scientist the exact same question, and he said it was sixty-five million years old—and that was three years, two months and eighteen days ago.”

A solar panel and a windmill walked into a bar full of oil men, and were never seen again.

sepia toned windmill

How do you feel about windmills?     Big fan.


What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?   Hailing taxis.


Why did the philharmonic disband?  Too much sax and violins.

Hey, this is in Seine!


Fowl play:     How do you identify a bald eagle?   He has a comb over.



What happened to the lab tech when she fell into the lens grinder?  She made a spectacle of herself.


He stopped her because she was going too slow. “But, officer, the sign said 21.”  ”That’s the highway number, ma’am.”  ”Oh, I’m glad you didn’t see me five minutes ago. I was on 205.”


Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with her.

Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?   That was no piccolo, that was my fife.


What’s the difference between an electric guitar and a chain saw?   Chainsaws sound better in small ensembles.


These pots were smoked on the kiln floor.


Hey, is that my cheese?   That’s nacho cheese!


She worked hard all of her life to be known, and now she wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

For every truth there is an ear somewhere to receive it.  For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it. For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.


Our Lord was a shoving leopard, I mean, a loving shepherd.


Then there was Pam, too smart to be a ham, too beautiful for Sam, could have kissed her, but I missed her, damn!


Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.


English muffins aren’t English, French fries aren’t French. Sweetmeats are sweet, Sweetbreads are meat.

A vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?


String quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

Guy can’t find the necktie he needs to get into the club. In desperation he throws a set of jumper cables around his neck.  Bouncer says, “Well, you can come in but don’t start anything.”


You know you’re a roller coaster enthusiast when some guy screams “You S.O.B!” and You instantly think “huh, Son of Beast, where?

Much unnecessary labor is involved in the number of demisemiquavers.  We suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble.


Two things necessary to keep a redhead happy.  One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.


I hate those little Russian dolls.  They’re so full of themselves.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

“Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”    – A film company’s verdict on Fred Astaire’s 1928 screen test.


“Brain work will cause women to go bald.”      Berlin professor   1914


I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go read a book


If god had intended us to drink champagne, she would have given us stomachs.


A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and an homage for the old.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in vodka.


I always forget faces, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.


A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Harvard Business School announced that, in recognition of his massive tax cuts coupled with rising costs of war, they were awarding President Bush an Honorary Doctorate in Deep Doo-Doo Economics.

A kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between two dynamic objects.


What do you call bears with no ears?   B.


A Chinese man walks into a shop with a parrot on his shoulder, and the shopkeeper says, “Hey, where’d you get that?” and the parrot says, “In China. They must have a billion of them there.”


Dick Cheney was riding on a camel and he stopped at a small oasis.  He got off the camel, lifted its tail and looked at the camel’s butt.  A guy comes over and says, “What are you doing?” Cheney replies, “About two miles back I heard someone say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel.’”


Elephant to naked man:  How can you pick up peanuts with that thing?


Two goats out behind a movie studio eating old movie film:   “Pretty good, huh?” says one to the other.  ”Yeah, but I prefer the book.”


A thief held up a man at gunpoint:  Give me your money.   You cannot do this. I am a congressman.    Thief says:  In that case, give me my money.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a while.   Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


I love you once, I love you twice, I love you more than beans and rice.

A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.


My husband and I married for better or worse.  He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.


How do you make a hot dog stand?   Steal her chair.


She walked up to the bartender and asked for a double entendre, so he gave her one.


So, why was Wolgang Amadeus Mozart a little scratchy about his chickens?  They kept saying “Bach, bach, bach, bach, BACH!”


The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.


How many books have you read in your life?   How should I know?  I’m not dead yet.


“The Beatles? They’re on the wane.”         The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965.       (His Grace was perhaps a few crumbs short of a crouton.)


Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies.


Remember George Bush’s plan to put a man on Mars?   Why not?  It’s not like we had an enormous debt or failing economy or anything like that.


Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


VODKA :   It’s not just for breakfast anymore.


Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.


I got this ukulele for my husband.      Good trade!


A kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.


Why do elephants drink so much?     To try to forget.


North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?


Who wrote Huckleberry Locomotive?   ChooChoo Twain.


They who drink beer will think beer.


Cop:  How high are you?   No, no, officer, it’s Hi! How are you?


What happened when the bomb detecting dog wrote her autobiography?  It shot to the top of the best smeller list.


What’s harder to catch the faster you run?      Your breath.


Come on, feet, start walking.


Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkly?  Because, if she were small, triangular and plastic she would be a guitar pick.

Melissa Etheridge

I have actually sung onstage with this estimable person.  She’s the one who should have played Janis Joplin in the film, but, alas and alack, it didn’t happen.


Convincing my dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I will get to being a real magician.


A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.


People smile in the same language.


A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.


How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?   The grape is purple.

Sam le Gueeque

We’ll see you next week.


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