Anthea Sidiropoulos was walking into a church when she saw a sign that the janitor had put up in front of an area where he was mopping: Please Don’t Walk On The Water.
Elephant to naked man: How do you breathe through that thing?
A good listener is usually thinking about something else… or not thinking at all.
The thing about being on time is that there’s never anyone else around to appreciate it.
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
We’re happily married. We wake up in the middle of the night and laugh at each other.
The degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts… the less you know the hotter you get.
You’ve been married for fifty years, how do you do it? I close my eyes and pretend it’s not happening.
I was walking down the hill the other day and saw some men roofing a house and one of the guys hammering a nail called me a big ugly ham… in Morse code.
My friend Sam, one of the best people ever. It’s confusing when we get mail, though.
We would have broken up except for the children. We were the children.
Democrats are better lovers than Republicans. You never heard of a good piece of elephant, did you?
My wife’s an air sign. I’m a fire sign. There’s a lot of hot air, that’s for sure.
New summer camp in the Adirondacks for Native American kids: Camp Shapiro.
The only thing my wife and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve admired in the shop window. When you get it home it might not go with anything that is in the house.
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. Trying to live together afterwards is what causes problems.
Justin Bieber was kind enough to do a benefit at a senior citizens’ home and, approaching one of the elderly ladies, said, “Do you know who I am?” And she says, “No, but go to the front desk, they’ll tell you who you are.”
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
The guy who said two can live as cheaply as one has a lot of explaining to do.
American, Russian, Iraqi and an Israeli walking down the street. Roving Reporter says, “Excuse me, we’re conducting a public opinion poll about the meat shortage.” Russian says, “What’s meat?” American says, “What’s a shortage?” Iraqi says, “What’s public opinion?” Israeli says, ”What’s ‘excuse me?’ ”
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me. Henny Youngman
A person is never drunk as long as she can lie on the floor without holding on.
I said to my wife, do you feel that the sex and excitement have gone out of our marriage, and she said, let’s talk about it during the next commercial.
If god dwells within us, I hope she likes enchiladas, because that’s what she’s getting.
Married men don’t live longer than single men. It just seems that way.
A New Age church in California has three commandments and seven suggestions.
If you were my husband, said Lady Astor, I’d put poison in your coffee. And if I were your husband, answered Winston Churchill, I’d drink it.
Mrs. Pop to Mr. Pop: No way we’re naming this kid Iggy.
Marry me, and I promise I’ll never bother you again.
Besides “I love you,” what three words does a woman want to hear the most. “Ill fix it.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
It was a really big shoe. That guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese was circumcised at Beni Hana’s.
I was engaged once to a contortionist. She broke it off.
Doctors: they give you an appointment in a month and then ask why you took so long to see them.
She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx.
A WASP’s idea of affirmative action. Hiring South American jockeys.
I love these people. Silvia and Franco.
Carrie Clores, right, is married to my old friend Rob who played keyboards in Love, Janis, NYC.
Man rules the roost. Woman rules the rooster.
Dad: Son, if you masturbate, you’ll go blind. Son: I’m over here, Dad.
Patient: Doctor, I have no memory. Doctor: Now, keep calm, how long have you had this problem? Patient: What problem?
Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal and faithful.
A smart husband thinks twice before not saying anything.
Where do you find a man who is truly committed? In a mental hospital.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they get drunk.
How does a man plan for the future? He buys two bottles of vodka instead of just one.
I may be seventy-one but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty year old. Unfortunately there’s never one around.
Why don’t lobsters share? Because they’re shellfish. (I knew you would like that one.)
Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? She knew in advance what she was going to forget.
A WASP is a guy who gets out of the shower to take a leak.
As long as the world keeps turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes. Mel Brooks
If I had my life to live over, I’d make all the mistakes much sooner.
When you’re dead, your fingernails, toenails and hair continue to grow for three days. After that your e mails taper off.
Fabulous new diet: you can only eat bagels and lox… and you have to live in Syria.
The new heroin diet is interesting… most of your food falls on the floor.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and an astonished mother-in-law.
How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? One, with ten on the guest list.
Adam to Eve: Hey, I wear the plants in this family.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey, fuck you, forget about it.
I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.
The secret to staying young is to exercise regularly, eat sparingly and lie about your age.
My wife calls our waterbed The Dead Sea.
The optimist created the airplane. The pessimist created the seat belts.
I’m so old, my blood type was discontinued.
Confidence: what you start off with before you completely understand the situation.
My wife always lets me have her way. And that’s OK.
If you don’t drink, when you wake up in the morning, that’s the best you’re going to feel all day.
I heard two guys talking in Arabic in a bar the other day. I said, “Hey, you’re in America now, speak Spanish.”
Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging. Italian foreplay is, “Honey, I’m home!”
How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The Amish don’t have lightbulbs. They bake pies.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but that’s what it is… an institution.
Joe: You’re always wishing for something you haven’t got. Flo: What else is there to wish for?
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman
I wanted to sign up for Paranoids Anonymous but they wouldn’t tell me where they were.
A marriage license costs twenty dollars now, and everything you’ve got for the rest of your life.
The drinking age and the voting age should be the same. Some of the people we vote for, you need a drink.
If someone says, “My kid is a conservative, how did that happen?” remind them that when we took all those drugs in the 60s, we were told that our children would be brain damaged.
Let me get this straight. I can’t sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life, and, if things don’t work out, you get to keep half my stuff? What a great idea.
My doctor keeps sending me to other physicians. I don’t know if he’s a doctor or a booking agent.
Texan: How big is your farm? Kibbutzer: Two hundred by three hundred feet. How big is your ranch? Texan: I get in my car, drive from sunrise to sunset and never reach the end of my land. Kibbutzer: Yeah, I had a car like that too.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About five drinks.
Frank goes to a meeting once a week to make him stop drinking, and it works. Every Wednesday between five and six he doesn’t drink.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: Ninety dollars. Patient: Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work? Dentist: I can extract if very slowly if you like.
I used to take two hits of acid so I could have a round trip.
Four out of three people have trouble with fractions.
Docotr: You’ll be able to resume your love life when you can climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. Patient: Why don’t I look for a woman who lives on the ground floor?
When her enemies stopped booing, she knew she was slipping.
I’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
She never hated a man enough to give him his jewelry back.
I was recently born again. It was a glorious experience, but I can’t say that my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.
Chinese guy having a drink when Roy Goldberg knocks him off the stool. “Hey, what’s that for?” ”That’s for Pearl Harbor.” ”Yeah, but I’m Chinese,” the guy says. “All the same to me,” says Goldberg. A little later, the Asian man walks over and slugs Goldberg. “That’s for the Titanic.” “The Titanic,” answers Roy, “was hit by an icberg.” “Iceberg, Goldberg, they’re all the same to me.”
Tell me. darling, where have you been all my life? Well, for the first fifty years of it I wasn’t even around.
Are you living a life of quiet desperation, or are you married?
That new synagogue in Harlem is called Beth You Is My Woman Now.
Robert Altman took this of Chet Helms.
I’ll never make the mistake of being seventy again.
I just had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bumper sticker in Canada: I’d rather be driving.
Dad, he said, I play this guy who’s been married for twenty-five years. That’s great, son, enthused his father, one of these days maybe you’ll work up to a speaking part.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Mark Twain
I finally got it all together. Now I’m too old to pick it up.
Or, to put it another way, experience is a comb that life gives you after you’ve lost your hair.
The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.
Politics is the art of looking for problems, finding them everywhere, diagnosing them incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
What’s the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball, you’re out if you’re caught stealing.
Rick Santorum says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Are you married? Do you feel sanctified?
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important.
Marriage is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Why don’t Baptists make love standing up? They’re afraid it might lead to dancing.
A WASP proposes marriage: How would you like to be buried with my people?
Don’t marry for money. It’s cheaper to borrow it.
If god has anything better than sex to offer, she’s keeping it to herself.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it’s time to regress to their childhood, most men are already there.
He doesn’t have an enemy in the world, but all of his friends hate him.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many do you think it takes?
I had to give up masochism. I was enjoying it too much.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most trouble is sex.
Honey, am I your first? Why does everyone ask me that?
No problem is too big to run away from.
The thing about being unemployed is that when you wake up, you’re on the job.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
I’ve noticed that nothing I’ve never said ever did me any harm,
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
We’ll see you next week.
Big Bother and the Folding Company