24 April 2011
Anyone who says he understands women is missing a great deal.
I was born in California because my mother wanted me to be near her.
Was it a good thing that Noah made the Ark? Hard to say sometimes.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
Happiness is good health and a short memory.
A life spent making mistakes is better and more industrious than a life spent doing nothing.
Catholic women are allowed to avoid pregnancy by mathematics, but not by physics.
Hamlet in Brooklyn: To be…or fageddaboudit.
He never gave anyone a break and he didn’t have a kind word to say about anyone for forty years. No one measured up to his standards, except for him. You’ve got to admire a man like that.
California is a great place to live if you’re an olive.
Thank god for Congress. Otherwise we wouldn’t have a lot to laugh at these days.
If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country, like Monaco.
The only way I’m going to hear heavy breathing is if I run around the block.
Peace. That brief scary interval between this war and the next.
Mas vale tarde que nunca. It’s as hard to be late as it is to be on time.
Thanks to improved freeway systems worldwide it’s possible to travel everywhere and not see a damn thing.
Republicans think they know more than you ought to.
Barry Bonds and anyone else should be able to take any drug they want to. I mean, come on, he’s just a baseball player. Leave the poor guy alone.
Now Donald Trump is going to run and Sarah Palin is urging him on? Perfect.
Jack Teagarden and I played on the same tiny stage once. Okinawa, Japan.
Eat whatever you want. Just don’t swallow it.
If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?
If you really take care of yourself, eat the right foods, get to sleep early, rise early, you could end your days being taken care of in a nursing home and living far longer than you really should.
I never had a sense of humor. What got me started in this whole business is that at an early age I could do a perfect imitation of Porky Pig.
Some, maybe most people become more interesting when they stop talking.
(Thank you, Dale Burkhardt, for this image.)
There is nothing so absurd but that some crazy musician has played it.
If you want to act like a man, act like a good man.
(Photo: Max Clarke)
Big Brother and the Holding Company play like King Kong one night and Fay Wray the next.
At my age, every new person I meet reminds me of someone else.
Rub a dub dub
Three men in a tub
And that’s on a slow night (sign in a San Francisco bath house)
I don’t go to the gym. If I’m going to die, I want to be sick.
Bad spellers of the world Untie!
Happiness and even unhappiness are temporary, and often imaginary.
I stopped reading newspapers and I feel so much better now.
At one point I did a lot of gigs with Peter Tork. He’s so famous my grandmother has seen him on television.
Sex is no one’s business except for the one and a half people involved.
See how long you can go without thinking of yourself.
The other side also has another side.
The shortest distance between two points often has orange cones on it.
Watch out for number one, but really watch out for number two.
I have spent a lifetime reading the classics and I am not even going to have enough time to read all of those. Why would I read a best seller?
She stayed longer in five minutes than most people do in three days.
Belief in the hereafter is not what I’m here after.
I wonder how much of what I say is actually true.
Frank Sinatra? How to explain what another age found miraculous? Nat King Cole and Ray Charles, from almost his same era, could each of them sing a jazz standard far better than he could. What was all that fuss about?
If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.
A loud, screaming baby with a full diaper cannot with total honesty be regarded as a thing of joy and beauty.
A lot of things don’t happen at the right time and some don’t happen at all.
In books with mirrored covers, there is seldom much reflection.
I was so shocked to be born that I didn’t say anything coherent for almost a year.
Every morning I read the obituaries. If I’m not there, I pick up my guitar and start practicing.
I know two tunes. One of them is Piece of My Heart, and the other one isn’t.
It’s difficult to be sad when you’re eating pasta.
My eyesight is getting worse, so everything is starting to look more beautiful to me.
Those silly songs that get stuck in your head for days? Some people are like that.
If it’s just too crazy to say it, you can always sing it.
People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who really do.
Try to discount as much as you can both praise and blame.
If you go to Russia, take food and toilet paper. They have those things there, but it may take a while to find them.
A clear conscience is often the sign of a short memory.
A wise person is always beginning.
I’ll see you next week.
Big Brother and the Holding Company